I am just a loner, nostalgic for a love that hasn’t happen. I write of love everyday as if i am in one. I daze in and out all day, daydreaming about how wondering it would be, to share your life with someone you love but ironically, I don’t like getting close with people for many reasons. I always keep an appropriate distance away from people, a not too hot and not too cold kind of distance. I like to be alone yet I hate feeling lonely. I am a paradox. I don’t know what’s wrong with me these days. I am cold. Everyone is so normal and then theres me. The odd one out. How do I fix this? I really wish I have someone to love.

I always believe that everyone here on this blue planet has a soulmate, The One. You know? A love destiny kind of thing, “The One.” I believe that one way or the other, you will meet that one person and that no matter what happens in life, how many twist and turns life sends you through, you will always end up with who you’re meant to be with because destiny would always find a way to guide you to your destine lover. Ridiculous isn’t it? I thought so… But I really believe in this, as much as I believe in the stars, the moon, the sun, the entire universe as a whole. This concept came to me from a geek mythology, whereby Zeus, being afraid of us humans, split us into two. You know… It’s a soulmate kind of thing.

Short prologue: Long post about relationship. Spoilers about the avengers on the first paragraph. Skip if you haven’t already watched the avengers.

I haven’t written on this blog in awhile. Been busy all week so I guess I’ll sit down here to write this post. My apologies for any grammatical errors, terms, use of words and dah dah dah… Well, it’s 4 am in the morning and I kinda just came home from the theatre after catching the latest installment of Avengers. Needless to say, it was awesome though I found Ultron to be a tad bit lacking as a villain. Not gonna spoil too much here but all he does is talk about peace, creating a new world through mass annihilation and destruction, flies around all day with his tinmans doing most of his work, lift, hurls rock at thor and obviously, controls an army of substandard ironmans. The most threatening thing he did that caught my eye was when he fired his laser from his hand towards that pretty looking South Korea scientist when she disconnect the uplink of Ultron’s conscious to the artificially built android resting in the cradle after Scarlet woke her up. So that’s pretty much about it… It’s still a pretty awesome movie though, I was in constant awe watching the Avengers packing a punch, kicking those tinman in their ass and saving the world like good o’times.

I think that’s enough about the movie for now. I’ve had a lot of thoughts lately, mainly derived from people around me. You know… being around people, hearing things sort of sets you thinking. Relationship. It seems like the most common problem everyone has these days. People in a three year relationship are having troubles. Things are getting boring or rather routine. A good morning, good night call and all those mandatory I care about you stuffs. And then you are busy with life but then you’ll make time for each other every week. Perhaps you set a day aside every week like Saturday, something like a family day every week. You’ll meet, have lunch, movie, dinner or whatsoever. You’ll go to places and eventually you’ll run out of things to do in this small tiny metropolis.
I think it’s crazy and scary sometimes. Relationships. The phrase where you look into someone to spend the rest of your life with. It’s not a fling, its not a one or two years kind of thing. It’s for finding someone to spend the entire rest of your life with. Do you truly love each other? Can you stand each other? Can you live the rest of your life with each other? Is he/she everything that you’re looking for? Do you two complement each other in the areas you are lacking? Do you two make a great team? Are you in this for love? Or to have someone to feel less lone. And if one day you find you two are not compatible, would you fold the relationship or work to make a change together to make things work?
There’s just so many things and question here I could add onto and there’s the aspect of you quarrelling about little things. What I find is, it doesn’t matter what you’re quarrelling about. If you both care about each other, you’ll quarrel right? If you don’t care about the other party, you wouldn’t bother yourself with them or what they did wrong. You wouldn’t even care. I think the fundamental of these all is either jealously, frustration, and unhappiness.
I haven’t really have the entire codex figured out but here’s some of my thoughts.
Jealously. I think it sorts of happen right? One way or the other. Take for example, lets say this guy brings his girl out with his friends and there’s this girl best friend he have that he confines to about problems with girls. And so she is bound to be jealous of how close you two might seem right? The thing I find is, you should never let you partner feels like he/she is in competition with another for you love, affection and attention. Because what could be worse than letting them doubt how you feel about them. It’s a kind of feeling that destroys you from the inside. People need to feel secured because feelings can be changed/developed. Everyone starts with something. A stranger, a friend, a best friend to a lover. Relationship fails a lot these days because after awhile, we just do less of what we should. We should always show the ones we love how much we love them. Like pack a little love, a little surprise every week to show them how much you love them. It’s a simple reassurance that goes along way.

I think that’s it from me for now. I know… I didn’t touch on unhappiness and frustration. I simply don’t have the keys right now. Another question pop up in my head whilst writing this posr. Are people truly in it (relationship) for love or to simply have someone they can call their own? But I guess that’s another story for another time.

I haven’t been writing here a lot, for many reasons. I’ve been sick and yet I always find myself back here. This site… it means so much to me. It’s the place where I pour my feelings out… Sometimes, no… everyday… I wish I have someone. You know how everyone has someone to go to? Someone to talk to, to go out with, have a meal, catch a movie, go to a cafe, shop, have fun with, generally, someone who you can share your day with and I don’t mean friends… I wish I have that someone too… I’m just so lone. I don’t know how to approach people, the concept of relationships, love and all those stuff. I might look like I could string you sentences of advice for love if you’re having trouble but I have absolutely no clue when it comes to myself. I like people, I like everyone. I don’t think I’ve ever hated anyone, not with a burning passion, you know… hating someone with a passion. So here’s the thing. I’m not sure… I’m never sure. Is liking people enough for me to approach them? How do you even approach anyone anyway? I used to love someone and I’ve been burnt and it terrifies me. You know how things always go, either you end up with them, the person you love or something goes wrong and you end up without them. Both are equally terrifying… The commitment and the latter, the lost. So what do I do when I’m terrified with the concept of love, relationship and everything under it’s hood? How do I go for anyone? I just don’t know how….

I like to keep to myself, maintain my distance with people and all those stuff. I appear nonchalant most of the time but I care more than anything. I check up on everyone I know more than I would like to admit whenever I can’t sleep at night, you might prefer the term stalk here but I would think otherwise. I couldn’t care less who’s with who. There’s a difference right? To stalk and simply to check up on people to see if they’re okay. I have this twitter list, 34 members, people I care about. A twitter list is like a filtered timeline, with tweets only from the members you listed. So I can read tweets, retweets from everyone I care about, the member on that list. It makes things easier. I can’t quite share it because one, it’s personal stuff, and two I made it private since day one but I have a few other public list under my twitter account if you’re interested. Here’s one where I find adorable pictures from https://twitter.com/zhninetyfour/lists/adorable
Anyway, I made another blog. Here’s the url if you’re interested, eyeswillnotlie.wordpress.com

If you know me and you’ve read this blog, tell me. I would like to know. Tell me.
What do you think about this place? And me, as if you could read me, everything I have, bits and pieces lying all over the place here.
Please let me know.

I’ve been thinking about closing this blog for awhile now and for many reasons of course. First, I cant quite exactly share this blog and it’s content on Twitter anymore for personal reasons so it kinda loses it’s point of being my blog and I actually think I’m a terrible blogger, writer or whichever you might want to term it.

So I’ve been mulling over this for awhile… To keep this blog or shut it down, bury it under the rubbles. I’m still weighing my options now. I think this blog is too important to be shut down. It holds a lot of content, a lot of feelings and emotions written all over this place. The drafts I have floating around has a ratio of 1:1 to the published post. Many unfinished, some too personal, too sensitive and emotional to be made public. I know… I’m an emotion prostitute.

I guess it would be best if I keep this blog around and private, as in to keep it away from people who knows me while you all can still read this blog from the WordPress reader feed (https://wordpress.com/fresh/). And I’ll start another one as my face for the public which I’ll use to blog about my personal life though I’m not really quite keen because I feel like my life is kinda dull even though everyone else around me thinks otherwise. 🙂

We’ll see in the future, when I have time.

Ask me my theory about the universe,
My theory of life,
And what I think about everything under it’s hood.
Ask me anything.
Dig it out from me.
Make me spill my words.
I’ve always been afraid of how absurd I might sound.
Ask me how my day was,
Good or bad.
I wanna share my day with you,
And I hope you would share yours too.
I would love to know if you had a nice day.
Even if it’s not with me.
You,
Being happy is all that I could ask.
And if you’re sad,
I’ll never let you go to sleep until I make you happy.
Everyone wants someone,
That’s one cliché that’s true.
I’ve always been lone,
Nobody knows the true me…
Its kinda sad…
I know I’m cold sometimes,
That I refuse to give anything up…
It’s just the ice inside the deepest dungeon of my heart.
I’m sorry I’m cold,
I’ve been so lone.
Will me out of my walls will you?
Do it slowly,
Like an injured puppy hiding in his bush.
If you want to,
I’ll let you smash them open.
I really don’t know how to get close to people…
I’m not really a good person…
I’m sorry I’m so emotional at times,
I don’t know why I feel so sad sometimes…
Everyone always put up a strong front,
I’m no different.
I could hold so much inside me…
And if you could give me happiness,
I’ll surely give you my joy.
And if you give me joy,
I’ll have you a lovely surprise.
And if you,
Being in my life adds to it’s value,
By bringing me happiness and joy like no one could,
That’s when I’ll definitely say I love you.
That’s my one and only rule,
To always say what I mean and never curse, swear or insult at anyone.
Maybe sometimes I don’t say it,
Forgive me will you?
Even three words can hurt sometimes…
Take away my sadness,
And I’ll appreciate your company.
Let me do something for you now,
That’s all I ask.
Tell me who bullied you today,
I’ll stand up for you.
Turn everything I have inside,
Into hot burning anger.
Who’s ass do I need to kick today babe?
For I could level an entire city.
The beast inside,
Caged and soundly asleep.
Please never push his buttons…
We all have our triggers and beast.
I don’t think I can put it back again,
Without it ravaging and destroying from the inside…

Beside the oldest tree,
Two spirit,
One and the same,
Originating from the same old star finally found each other.
Elated and overjoyed,
They danced endlessly,
To mother nature’s tune.
Making leaves fall,
In envy of their eternal love.

I believe deeply in souls and spirits.
I believe in the universe itself.
That we’re all part of a divine plan.
And that every being,
Is it’s own entity.
The suns,
The moons,
And the stars.

And if you have nothing to write,
Go out,
Go do something,
Do anything,
Live life,
And perhaps,
Inspiration would knock on your door.

Secret secret secrets.
I want to dedicate a post here about my own personal secrets. I think it’s time I open up to the world, let it all out. So here’s a post for my own personal secrets. I will update this when I have time, just like the other posts 🙂

April 7th

April 6th 2015:
I have this letter that I wrote awhile ago. It was intended for my future girlfriend so I’ve never actually shown anyone this letter till now.The purpose of this letter was when I find someone, and I feel the time is right, it will be the time I part and give away this letter as a mark of a delicately, penned promise. I don’t think I will ever get the chance to show anyone this letter, not at least in the next 2 years, seeing that entering into relationship isnt really feasible… you know… army… so I might as well show you guys here 🙂

I added some extra stuff here for the post sake.
I actually feel kinda weird about posting this. Posting stuff online as opposed to writing them out feels so different… the latter feels so wrong but anyway, here goes:

Dear future soulmate, 
I promise to love you with every inch of my heart. To adore you in every way possible for you are my queen. I will look past your flaws, your perfect imperfections, your insecurities and accept you for who you are because that’s what love is. I will love you for them because they are the reason why they make you, you.

I promise I will always look out for you, to protect you from all possible harm. I will be your knight in shinning armour, and stand up for you in any unjust. If someone bullies you, tell me. I will incur my wrath on that miserably soul.

I promise you that I will always make time for you no matter how busy I might get; for you are my number one priority. I will set everything aside, reprioritize whenever possible. I will put you on the top of my list because that’s where you always belong. If you’re feeling sad, troubled or angry, give me a call. I will put everything aside and listen to you, to share your load, to hear your troubles and to hear you rant to your heartiest content. I will do it because you are my first priority and you mean everything to me. I promise you I will always be here for you whenever you need me.

I promise I will never judge nor critize you. I will respect every decision you make. I will accept your past faults, your mistakes. I promise I will never ask you to change any part of you because you are perfect the way you are.

I promise I will prove and show you everyday how much I love you, how much you mean to me because action means louder than words. I want to be the one to adore you, to bring you joy, to be the one who can make you genuinely and truly happy like no other. I want to be the one to make you laugh and see your beautiful smile every single day. 

I can’t promise you a relationship without arguments, misunderstandings, problems and obtacles but I will promise you that no matter what we go through, I’ll always stand by you. I will fight with you and I will fight for you. I promise you that despite anything that might happen in the future, I will always love you unconditionally and if I ever hurt you in the future, please understand I don’t try to hurt others on purpose… If it’s forgivable, please forgive me… But don’t forgive me too easily, I don’t want it to be a cue for me to always make mistake and have you forgive me everytime. And if I ever forget any of these promises here, show me this letter again, for this is my penned promise, from me to you.

Love,
ZhengHui

Here’s my first one.
April 1st 2015:
Everyone has their own fear be it rational or irrational. Their very own insecurity. Take for example of being not good enough for someone they like, being afraid of the dark or being afraid of being trapped in a room/a lift.
Mine happens to be losing people. I didn’t really realize it until most recently. Naturally, I don’t have a lot of friends though I do have a lot of acquaintances and so I cherish every single one of my immediate friends like they’re gold.
I have this insane fear that one day everyone would get tired of me and my stupid antics and leave me alone. Nobody would want to talk to me any more… That I’ll be left alone in an empty room… Alone, cold and lone. I don’t know how to be alone… Even if I could spend the whole entire day walking around outside alone myself, doing my own stuff, I still have this insatiable need to be around people, to meet someone, for a simply dinner, catch up, get up to speed with their life or maybe catch a movie or something. I hate plans in all honestly. Don’t you just hate the disappointment when you look forward to something for the whole week only to see the plan get canceled the day before or even better, the day itself? You just get so heart broken… That’s why I like impromptu outing, that goes like this “hey, are you outside?” “Yep” “You?” “Same!” “Wanna meet for dinner?” “Cool! Sure!!!”
Sure you might get disappointed if they’re not free but you don’t get that kind of disappointment when you look forward to something for it for so long only to see it get canceled.
I’d never cancel on people. At least not on the very last day, or the day before. No matter how difficult things can get. I ensure I make time and re-prioritize whenever possible. Even if I fail to do so, like the circumstance prevents me from doing so; for example I have agreed to work on a particular event and, but I agreed to meet you because I forgot about the work. I would have to cancel you but I’ll make it up to you somehow. Because I know how it feels like to be disappointed. Perhaps I’ll meet you on another day and I’ll make sure that that day would be better than the originally planned day. Or we could have dinner after my work, whichever works for them.
But then sometimes you just get so tired about making plans and never seeing them get through. You’re just like, yeah, we’ll do whatever you want to do today. Not in a sarcastic way but in a tired way you see.
I just cherish everyone, I really do. I might seems super nonchalant sometimes but it’s only because I’ve been burnt. I do show in a lot of ways, non immediate way that I care for people around me. But I don’t want to make it too obvious. I am just not sure about people sometimes. I’m never good at reading people’s intention. I’m always confused as to what people want from me; what they expect off me… I am just terrible at being human…
It’s not an excuse I know… But… I just don’t know how to tread sometimes.